I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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