Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
