last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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