I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
