apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
