how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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