Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
