Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
