Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
