I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
