haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
