omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
