I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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