Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
