Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I think i got beer on your cat.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
