Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
