Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
