shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
