chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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