Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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