you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Randomize
