As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
