He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
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