Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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