Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
