I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize