i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
