there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Randomize