I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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