I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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