Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
