please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
