he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
