Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
