So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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