I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
