I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
