Sorry, I don't speak sober.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
