I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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