I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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