I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
