I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
