So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
