my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
