i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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