hotel room ftw
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize