Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Pooping to opera.
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