dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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