I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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