I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
