Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
