"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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