i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
