i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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