i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Also, beer. Big fan.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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