It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
