Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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