Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
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