bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I think I just sharted jello shots
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Shame - the story of my life.
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