Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
where are my eyebrows?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
