We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
